i couldn't sleep the other night so i turned on the television. late night/early morning television is infomercial gold. there is one in particular that was pure comedy. it is a exercise program "created" by mitch "seriously its just a name" gaylord. the one thing this man has accomplished is winning the gold medal in men's gymnastics in the 1984 olympics. this means no one hears from him until olympic years. this year he has showed up on some dumb celebrity reality show and now the "3 day melt it off" exercise program. you are going to ask "what was so funny?"
infomercials are always great fodder for horrible acting and photoshopped pictures. however, the good part of this commercial is part of his program. it revolves around what looks like a black and gold volleyball. this volleyball also has a great infomercial name, the "g-ball". what else would you name it? his name is gaylord and its a ball so why not g-ball. when they first mention the name of this ball, i broke out laughing because of the image in my head. this sounds like some horny man with a really bad sex move. i can picture the guy fucking some poor drunk, unsuspecting victim while he calls out "oh yeah, hear comes the g-balling". i will admit the first image involved a woman but then it went to the gaylord part and the woman became a man. it just made it perfect. i can see it in all the new gay porn. some catcher saying to his pitcher "give me that g-ball". god, i love infomercials.
-miss wolfe
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Five Fact Friday (Back to Boston)
fact #1 this morning, i went running along one of my old routes. it really made me miss boston more than i thought i did. it was sad.
fact #2 even though i grew up in boston, i don't have a heavy boston accent. i can say my r's and don't say wicked every three seconds.
fact #3 my brother's wedding is coming up in a month and i successfully avoided being in the wedding. i thank my mom for this because she probably told him not to ask.
fact #4 i can't wait to see the movie tropic thunder. it is one of the few ben stiller movies i have looked forward too. to all those people that are so offended, get over it! comedy is always going to offend someone, its what makes it funny.
fact #5 i don't like drinking out of cans. if i have the choice between a bottle or an aluminum can, i will always pick the bottle.
- miss wolfe
fact #2 even though i grew up in boston, i don't have a heavy boston accent. i can say my r's and don't say wicked every three seconds.
fact #3 my brother's wedding is coming up in a month and i successfully avoided being in the wedding. i thank my mom for this because she probably told him not to ask.
fact #4 i can't wait to see the movie tropic thunder. it is one of the few ben stiller movies i have looked forward too. to all those people that are so offended, get over it! comedy is always going to offend someone, its what makes it funny.
fact #5 i don't like drinking out of cans. if i have the choice between a bottle or an aluminum can, i will always pick the bottle.
- miss wolfe
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
You will go blind!
*** i had a tough time deciding for a title for this post. i was tempted to use the Monty Python song Every Sperm is Sacred. ***
in contrast to the title, fox news had an article on their web site stating the benefits of masturbation. i was shocked that fox news would have such an article. it goes against their conservative, moral, christian base. you can read the article, i won't summarize. although, the article would explain why i have little back problems. while reading the article, the writer mentions The Big Book of Masturbation. i haven't heard of this book but after looking it up, i need to buy it. i always love buying these books. the looks i get at the check out are priceless. the key is to find someone that is obviously insecure about sexuality and ask them if they read it. the embarrassment factor alone is worth the price of the book. this is probably telling me not to ever work in a bookstore, because i would be asking customers questions about the books they are purchasing. this also reminds me of an event in my life, i will put it at the end of the post.
the article brought me back to my younger days. it took me to the sex talk with my parents. we all know my feelings on parents talking to their kids about sex. my parents addressed the masturbation issue with me. they didn't tell me it was evil or not to do it. they told me the truth, not i would go blind or whatever. i was told that it was the best way to release any sort of feelings that built up. i couldn't get pregnant or an std by doing it. this is the information that kids should learn from their parents, not some teacher in a classroom. the parents talking about masturbation was a little late for my time schedule but it was good they brought it up.
funny anecdote: i was 16 or 17 and at the drug store for my birth control refill. there is a guy ahead of me in line. he hands over his prescription to the girl at the cash register and i notice it says viagra on it. i figure good for him, he is getting his. we are standing there and they call his name to get his pills. the poor girl running the registers ends the transaction with "have a good day". the man, being a man, says, "Oh you know I will." the cashier's face, realizing what he was buying, turned so red. the whole incident gave me a good laugh and still does to this day. the lesson is if the person is buying condoms, birth control or the little blue pill becareful how you end the transaction.
- miss wolfe
in contrast to the title, fox news had an article on their web site stating the benefits of masturbation. i was shocked that fox news would have such an article. it goes against their conservative, moral, christian base. you can read the article, i won't summarize. although, the article would explain why i have little back problems. while reading the article, the writer mentions The Big Book of Masturbation. i haven't heard of this book but after looking it up, i need to buy it. i always love buying these books. the looks i get at the check out are priceless. the key is to find someone that is obviously insecure about sexuality and ask them if they read it. the embarrassment factor alone is worth the price of the book. this is probably telling me not to ever work in a bookstore, because i would be asking customers questions about the books they are purchasing. this also reminds me of an event in my life, i will put it at the end of the post.
the article brought me back to my younger days. it took me to the sex talk with my parents. we all know my feelings on parents talking to their kids about sex. my parents addressed the masturbation issue with me. they didn't tell me it was evil or not to do it. they told me the truth, not i would go blind or whatever. i was told that it was the best way to release any sort of feelings that built up. i couldn't get pregnant or an std by doing it. this is the information that kids should learn from their parents, not some teacher in a classroom. the parents talking about masturbation was a little late for my time schedule but it was good they brought it up.
funny anecdote: i was 16 or 17 and at the drug store for my birth control refill. there is a guy ahead of me in line. he hands over his prescription to the girl at the cash register and i notice it says viagra on it. i figure good for him, he is getting his. we are standing there and they call his name to get his pills. the poor girl running the registers ends the transaction with "have a good day". the man, being a man, says, "Oh you know I will." the cashier's face, realizing what he was buying, turned so red. the whole incident gave me a good laugh and still does to this day. the lesson is if the person is buying condoms, birth control or the little blue pill becareful how you end the transaction.
- miss wolfe
Monday, August 11, 2008
Not Done with the Olympics
in the last FFF post, i said something about the olympics. i am not done after seeing some of the coverage over the weekend. the coverage sucks. what the fuck are some of these "sports" doing in the olympics? lastly, take away the exclusive coverage from nbc.
the coverage sucks so bad. we are in the united states if i am not mistaken. why in the hell are they showing an event with two countries that are not remotely close to the united states. its like living in brazil and only showing american football and no soccer. what the fuck to i care about china vs. japan badminton?
is badminton really a sport? what drugs were the olympic committe taking when they decided this should be worthy of a medal? badminton isn't the only "sport" that should be eliminated (list of olympic events here). i can get rid of three sports right away: badminton, table tennis and synchronized swimming. i am not saying there is no skill in any of these events, but use your fucking brain. synchronized swimming. this isn't mel brooks' history of the world part 1 (if you know the movie, you know the scene). synchronized diving. i saw this wonderful little thing the other night. we can dive in unison, woo freaking hoo. there can be diving but synchronized diving. beach volleyball. i am sorry, the only reason this is an olympic sport is for television reasons. it is a reason to show women and men in the sun with little clothes on. there is volleyball, there is no need for beach volleyball. equestrian. i am sure there is some historical reason why this is an event but isn't the olympics about human athletism. equestrian is more about the horse showing skill than the person riding it. lastly, rythmic gymnastics. i don't have to say anything else other than person with a stick and ribbon dancing around.
why should nbc have exclusive coverage? this is something for the world. the coverage should be spread out on all major networks during the olympics. this is so all the events, even the poor excuse of a sport, can be seen. nbc can show all the sappy, dumb, i don't give a fuck stories it wants while i watch track and field, swimming, and real events.
-miss wolfe
the coverage sucks so bad. we are in the united states if i am not mistaken. why in the hell are they showing an event with two countries that are not remotely close to the united states. its like living in brazil and only showing american football and no soccer. what the fuck to i care about china vs. japan badminton?
is badminton really a sport? what drugs were the olympic committe taking when they decided this should be worthy of a medal? badminton isn't the only "sport" that should be eliminated (list of olympic events here). i can get rid of three sports right away: badminton, table tennis and synchronized swimming. i am not saying there is no skill in any of these events, but use your fucking brain. synchronized swimming. this isn't mel brooks' history of the world part 1 (if you know the movie, you know the scene). synchronized diving. i saw this wonderful little thing the other night. we can dive in unison, woo freaking hoo. there can be diving but synchronized diving. beach volleyball. i am sorry, the only reason this is an olympic sport is for television reasons. it is a reason to show women and men in the sun with little clothes on. there is volleyball, there is no need for beach volleyball. equestrian. i am sure there is some historical reason why this is an event but isn't the olympics about human athletism. equestrian is more about the horse showing skill than the person riding it. lastly, rythmic gymnastics. i don't have to say anything else other than person with a stick and ribbon dancing around.
why should nbc have exclusive coverage? this is something for the world. the coverage should be spread out on all major networks during the olympics. this is so all the events, even the poor excuse of a sport, can be seen. nbc can show all the sappy, dumb, i don't give a fuck stories it wants while i watch track and field, swimming, and real events.
-miss wolfe
Friday, August 8, 2008
Five Fact Friday
fact #1 the family invades tomorrow and over takes the house. i only ask that god stays my hand and prevents me from killing one of my annoying relatives.
fact #2 tonight starts the horrible thing i call the olympics. the olympics aren't a bad thing but the shit coverage that nbc plays ruins the games. in other countries, they have channels that play the events around the clock. there is no tape delay, preventing people from other countries from watching the events they show, or sappy story about the poor kid from the inner city that overcame his situation and got to the olympics. i don't give a fuck, show me events!
fact #3 i unpacked my stuff today only to start to pack for school. i am so sick of packing, moving, unpacking and starting over again.
fact #4 i don't really want to comment on the john edwards sex affair thing. however, i have one thing to say about the situation in general. why do people expect their political leaders to be moral people? these are the same people the lie to gain a position of power. they are not moral people, nor should we be surprised when we find out they aren't.
fact #5 my brother talked me into going to the driving range with him. i am a person that never held a golf club much less swing one. it was very comedic and i am sorry to the guy i almost hit with the slice/hook (whatever they call it).
- miss wolfe
fact #2 tonight starts the horrible thing i call the olympics. the olympics aren't a bad thing but the shit coverage that nbc plays ruins the games. in other countries, they have channels that play the events around the clock. there is no tape delay, preventing people from other countries from watching the events they show, or sappy story about the poor kid from the inner city that overcame his situation and got to the olympics. i don't give a fuck, show me events!
fact #3 i unpacked my stuff today only to start to pack for school. i am so sick of packing, moving, unpacking and starting over again.
fact #4 i don't really want to comment on the john edwards sex affair thing. however, i have one thing to say about the situation in general. why do people expect their political leaders to be moral people? these are the same people the lie to gain a position of power. they are not moral people, nor should we be surprised when we find out they aren't.
fact #5 my brother talked me into going to the driving range with him. i am a person that never held a golf club much less swing one. it was very comedic and i am sorry to the guy i almost hit with the slice/hook (whatever they call it).
- miss wolfe
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Back Home
i returned to the parents today. it was one long drive but i did it in one day. the big family reunion starts on saturday and goes to monday. woohoo! if someone could ship me a gun to put me out of my misery, it would be greatly appreciated. after my family event, i will be home getting ready for a mini-vacation to boston to visit my slutty friend and ready for school. the time inbetween will be spent with my new online addiction scrabble, i love that game. i look at the calendar and it seems like a lot of time. however, there is never a lot of time.
i am throwing in one last bit of news that caught my eye. this week a calvin klein ad was banned to run in the united states. it was banned because it showed eva mendes' nipple. from what i saw in the ad, it is shown on screen for all of 2 seconds. this also goes back to the janet jackson/super bowl incident (which no one really noticed until they took it to frame by frame slow motion).
one really has to ask what is wrong with nipples and breasts. NOTHING! it goes back to the puritan nature on which our country is founded. the irony is colonists came to the united states for freedoms they didn't have in europe. it makes perfect sense that they will stifle everyone once they land. amusingly, the rest of the world looks at our tv shows and thinks america is all about sex and we must be having sex on every street corner. there couldn't be another position further from the truth. the government is afraid people might see nipples. babies since the beginning of life have used to feed and grow strong. who would of guessed that something that gives life could be so evil.
it really goes back to George Carlin's statements on profanity. the only reason why something is bad is someone said it was. fuck means to hit. it was a common word a long time ago. if you fucked something, you hit it not have sex with it. the word evolved to mean having sex. then, someone decided it was bad. it must be banned. we can't have people saying this evil word. this is the same thing with the attitude towards sex, bodies and sexuality in the united states. people need to take of the chastity belts and relax a little. a kid seeing a nipple won't end the world as we know it. these things have been running on other country's televisions and they are in a lot better shape than us.
- miss wolfe
i am throwing in one last bit of news that caught my eye. this week a calvin klein ad was banned to run in the united states. it was banned because it showed eva mendes' nipple. from what i saw in the ad, it is shown on screen for all of 2 seconds. this also goes back to the janet jackson/super bowl incident (which no one really noticed until they took it to frame by frame slow motion).
one really has to ask what is wrong with nipples and breasts. NOTHING! it goes back to the puritan nature on which our country is founded. the irony is colonists came to the united states for freedoms they didn't have in europe. it makes perfect sense that they will stifle everyone once they land. amusingly, the rest of the world looks at our tv shows and thinks america is all about sex and we must be having sex on every street corner. there couldn't be another position further from the truth. the government is afraid people might see nipples. babies since the beginning of life have used to feed and grow strong. who would of guessed that something that gives life could be so evil.
it really goes back to George Carlin's statements on profanity. the only reason why something is bad is someone said it was. fuck means to hit. it was a common word a long time ago. if you fucked something, you hit it not have sex with it. the word evolved to mean having sex. then, someone decided it was bad. it must be banned. we can't have people saying this evil word. this is the same thing with the attitude towards sex, bodies and sexuality in the united states. people need to take of the chastity belts and relax a little. a kid seeing a nipple won't end the world as we know it. these things have been running on other country's televisions and they are in a lot better shape than us.
- miss wolfe
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Sex All Around
i have two pieces that caught my interest today. the first piece is from msnbc, or as i like to call it the obama news network. a judge in Iowa ruled that nude dancing is an art. its about time someone said this. it is hard work to be a good stripper/nude dancer. a person just can't jump on a stage and be good at it. it takes practice. i think its wrong that a 17 year old was doing it on the stage. she should be doing that for her boyfriend somewhere in private like all good minors. i know i had plenty of practice doing it in private shows for guys growing up.
this next thing, someone e-mailed me the link to a website called digg which mentioned Viking's Exotic Resort (warning this website isn't really work safe). at first look, this looks like a male only fantasy vacation. (however, i think they should offer some men to any women that may want to vacation there.) i did notice that there was a "couples" package. this is still a male oriented thing. i wonder if there is anything like this for women. better yet, schedule a vacation for a woman when they have bisexual women there. a girl can dream.
- miss wolfe
this next thing, someone e-mailed me the link to a website called digg which mentioned Viking's Exotic Resort (warning this website isn't really work safe). at first look, this looks like a male only fantasy vacation. (however, i think they should offer some men to any women that may want to vacation there.) i did notice that there was a "couples" package. this is still a male oriented thing. i wonder if there is anything like this for women. better yet, schedule a vacation for a woman when they have bisexual women there. a girl can dream.
- miss wolfe
Friday, August 1, 2008
Five Fact Friday
fact #1 i wasn't abducted by the NSA for my last post. i've had a case of procrastination. i have about 10 half written posts that i never got back to writing.
fact #2 i am going home next week from my summer job. i will be there for a week then going on vacation.
fact #3 school is close to starting and i am semi excited about it. i will have a tough schedule but not too many classes. there should be time for fun.
fact #4 i have a new hero. her name is Roz Savage and she is rowing from the united states to Australia. she has already rowed across the atlantic ocean. check out her website.
fact #5 this really kind of belongs to the previous fact but i want to bicycle across the united states. i am thinking i can do this after i graduate from school, the summer between graduating and grad school.
i will be finishing my unfinished posts this weekend so keep tuned for updates.
- miss wolfe
fact #2 i am going home next week from my summer job. i will be there for a week then going on vacation.
fact #3 school is close to starting and i am semi excited about it. i will have a tough schedule but not too many classes. there should be time for fun.
fact #4 i have a new hero. her name is Roz Savage and she is rowing from the united states to Australia. she has already rowed across the atlantic ocean. check out her website.
fact #5 this really kind of belongs to the previous fact but i want to bicycle across the united states. i am thinking i can do this after i graduate from school, the summer between graduating and grad school.
i will be finishing my unfinished posts this weekend so keep tuned for updates.
- miss wolfe
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